There are turning point moments in our lives that happen so powerfully and unexpectantly. Moments that heal us so rapidly and significantly you have to say a miracle happened.
I sat outside in my beautiful garden one early Autumn evening and wondered if I would ever feel truly happy again. I was silent and still. I breathed slowly and just surrendered my broken heart up to a higher plane. I was done with trying.
It had been raining earlier and little droplets of water sparkled on the green grass. I noticed them. Nothing else in awareness but the silver sparkles of water on the green lawn. The sun was low in the sky and the light rays made the droplets sparkle even more. For no reason that I was aware of I bent my head down and turned it at the same time. To my amazement all the little drops of water turned electric blue. That crystal clear blue I only ever saw in a rainbow or a the lights on my bedroom wall from the prism I had hung in my window. I moved my head up and down and the droplets of water changed with my movements through the rainbow spectrum. Red, orange, yellow , green, blue, purple and indigo.
I was transported to another dimension in that moment and I began to smile and then to laugh at how funny I must look leaning with my head held on its side rising up and down. Then I cried with relief and placed my hand on my heart. My gratitude filled the universe of me and I knew the dark night of my soul was over.
It was in this dark night, that had lasted eight years, my journey into the heart mind began. This was before there were websites and before we knew that a broken heart is a true thing and not just a metaphor for deep sadness.
Twenty one years ago my partner left me. I loved him deeply and we were very happy in our life together or so I thought. He left me for a younger woman after about a six month affair and I was devastated. Three days later my favourite cousin who was close to me was killed in a car accident. Everything seemed to collapse around me, my work in private practice, my finances, my trust in my spiritual beliefs, my trust in myself, and my health. I entered a deep reactive depression and a dark night of the soul which lasted eight years. I was still thinking, deep down, in a child like way that is called superstitious magic ; that if I was good, good things would happen to me and if I was bad, bad things would happen to me. What had I done to deserve this pain?
I knew two things. Firstly I accepted I had a broken heart coupled with attachment issues that I need to sort out and secondly I knew I had the grit and sufficient belief in myself to come through this and find a new dream.
During this time I worked hard to overcome. I had my shamanic drum and every night after I lit the fire I would quietly drum and chant. It was soothing and I imagined my guides, or someone, some beings were listening. I thought also there was a reason for this calamity and so I was conscientious about staying as self aware as I could. I had practiced Vipassana meditation for thirty five years and I continued to practice even though it was difficult to find the eye of the storm.
Some people were well meaning in their attempts to help me, some were just down right cruel. My sons stepped up to the mark and even though I objected they insisted they would help me. “ I am supposed to look after you, not the other way around,” I said. They told me sons all over the world supported their mothers, that they were men now not boys and I’d better just swallow my pride, so I did.
At night before I slept I made up chanting tunes to some Celtic verses I found in a book a friend had given me : “ The Little Book of Celtic Lore” by Caitlin and John Matthews.
“ I am a wind on the sea,
I am a wave of the ocean,
I am a roar of the sea…
I am a hawk on a cliff,
I am a tear of the sun,
I am a turning in a maze..
I am a lake on a plain,
I am a dispensing power,
I am a spirit of skilful gift.”
This is pieces of a long poem by Amergin Whiteknee: a shaman and poet of the Milesian Invaders of Ireland. The chanting of “ I am “ helped to nullify the loss of self and identity I felt. It may seem a little odd and wacky but as I use to say to my clients “ If it works why fix it.” These were difficult times and I needed to get strength from whatever I could find that would not be harmful in the long run. I banned myself from any alcoholic beverages or selling my home, which was now like a mausoleum, for two years.
In the morning, when I woke up I sang another .
“ I arise this day,
Through the strength of the heavens,
Light of the sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendour of fire,
Speed of lightening,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of Earth,
Firmness of rock and gratitude for the merciful three.”
I added the last piece about the three and I really didn’t know what this meant. Three felt like growth away from all the dichotemies I had been trapped in.
As I chanted I would place my hands on my heart. It felt comforting. I felt into the heart as the bridge between heaven and earth. When I stopped chanting I would imagine I was sitting in a temple by the bridge. I’d slow my breath down and be still. Just listening to the voice of my heart. There were few words and I loved that. At the time my brain mind was overloaded with constant obsessing about what had happened, hoping against hope that he would miraculously return, trying to make sense of the senseless, recriminating myself for being so stupid not to know, and for giving so much of myself away that I had stopped listening to myself.
I sang, chanted, drummed, danced, meditated, left my body in shamanic trances, worked my dreams, sculpted, walked with beauty before me, above me, behind me, beneath me, wrote pages and pages in journals and many other things to overcome the deep depression and loss of self. They all helped but it wasn’t until I truly surrendered to my heart that the raindrops glistened and moved into a magnificent light show.
That is how my Heart mind process began. I developed it over the years and used it with others. I was so excited when I found out about the Heart Math’s Institute and the results of their experiments scientifically affirming what I already believed and knew as true; that the heart has a mind, it speaks and thinks in a unique way, that it heals and that it is the centre of me.
From my heartinn. me to your heart in you with peace and love.